I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
