Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
