the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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