This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
