Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
