she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
