put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Randomize
