Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
