I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
