It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
