he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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