Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
