From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
