just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
