So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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