it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
