is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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