Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
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