The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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