My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
