I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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