my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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