so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
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