please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Randomize
