I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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