While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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