what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
My vagina is very pro this idea
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
