I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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