mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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