dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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