now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
