DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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