You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
We need to get me chipped asap
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
