Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
