I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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