i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
