Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
