if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
