fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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