I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
