She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
