Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
