I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I think your dad took our porno
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
