I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
