you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
