i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
This house was built for laser tag.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Also, beer. Big fan.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
