im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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