mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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