we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Less talking, more tequila
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
