i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
