Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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