Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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