i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
