I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
