Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
