I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
