if i can run in heels then i can drive
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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