Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
