He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
