Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
