Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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