i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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