So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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