i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
