Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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