So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
