When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
