another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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