If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
