our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
