"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize