I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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