she kept yelling 'call me bella'
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
