do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
