The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
